why do I always get depressed on Tuesdays
Apr. 6th, 2010 11:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freezingrayneI feel like all I ever do on this journal is complain. That, and post fic. But lately it's all seemed to be badly articulated Issues In My Life. I also think I'm one of the youngest people in my f-list, which always makes me feel like everyone's going, "Oh look at the whiny twenty-one year old again." Which I know they probably aren't, since they could always not read it. And writing it always does make me feel better.
I don't feel like I did very well on my Italian exam. I always feel like this after I do tests, and it always turns out that I did really well. However, this horrible feeling that I've done badly and might not -le gasp- get an 'A' follows me around all day and pretty much makes me feel like I want to kill myself. Which is absolutely ridiculous, I know, but it's the way things have gotten lately.
Currenly, I have a perfect GPA in college: 4.0. I've maintained that for three semesters, and it's a lot of work. I study upwards of three hours a day (about two hours of which is Italian) and hardly ever miss class. So I get to the point that I feel like if I don't do perfectly, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. Which is stupid, I realize that. I do.
A lot of it stems from this idea I've had, for a long time, that if I don't have my mind and my incredible performance at school, then I don't have anything. What the fuck am I good for? I get in these horribly spiralling bad moods and all the issues I have come to the surface, and there isn't really anyone I can talk about it with, since it just sounds idiotic when I say it out loud. I have two really awesome best friends, and I don't feel like I can talk to them, not just because they're boys, but because we just don't do that.
And there's a whole bunch of other things I have issues with, which I can't talk about to anyone I know. Maybe I need a therapist.
Sorry for the blather.
I don't feel like I did very well on my Italian exam. I always feel like this after I do tests, and it always turns out that I did really well. However, this horrible feeling that I've done badly and might not -le gasp- get an 'A' follows me around all day and pretty much makes me feel like I want to kill myself. Which is absolutely ridiculous, I know, but it's the way things have gotten lately.
Currenly, I have a perfect GPA in college: 4.0. I've maintained that for three semesters, and it's a lot of work. I study upwards of three hours a day (about two hours of which is Italian) and hardly ever miss class. So I get to the point that I feel like if I don't do perfectly, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. Which is stupid, I realize that. I do.
A lot of it stems from this idea I've had, for a long time, that if I don't have my mind and my incredible performance at school, then I don't have anything. What the fuck am I good for? I get in these horribly spiralling bad moods and all the issues I have come to the surface, and there isn't really anyone I can talk about it with, since it just sounds idiotic when I say it out loud. I have two really awesome best friends, and I don't feel like I can talk to them, not just because they're boys, but because we just don't do that.
And there's a whole bunch of other things I have issues with, which I can't talk about to anyone I know. Maybe I need a therapist.
Sorry for the blather.
